I Swear This is Real

The thoughtful people at Findgift.com have this incredible list of gift ideas for the people in your life who are more special than others. I was browsing through the "Gifts for Mom" section when I came across this amazing little gem. I thought to myself, "Boy, I bet mom would love to be reminded of her younger, wilder days when she was a groupie and had lots and lots of unprotected sex! Gee willickers!" Can you even imagine the expression on your mom's face when she opens your gift and finds this adorable herpes plush doll? It's so cute I could just die!



You can order your very own by clicking here, located towards the bottom of the page.

This is Kind of Late News

I haven't done too much reading into this but there are folks out there that say President-elect Barack Obama might soon be the first President-eject. (YES, I totally made that word up myself. Thanks for asking!) I think this has gone all the way up to a really high court, maybe Supreme. I would do a little research but I'm totally not feelin' it right now. I know, annoying right?

Well, I just thought this entire thing was silly. These people are debating whether or not Obama was a U.S. citizen when he was born, or something like that. Completely ridiculous! Black people are not BORN anymore. Do your research people. It's like saying, "Mmm, this McDonald's chicken sandwich is so real and probably came from a real chicken that was born." Joke's on you, pal. Everybody knows that chicken was cloned and raised for one purpose: to be fucking delicious. In the same way, black people are created in labratories to be super specialized in one area. As a favor to you, I will list the specialized categories currently aiding our world today as well as a person that best fits that category:

• Athletics (Usain Bolt, Olympic Gold Medalist)
• Academia (Albert Einstein, not really black)
  
• Philantropy (Oprah Winfrey, black person)
• Comedy (Tracy Morgan, fucking genius)
• Politics (Denzel Washington as Malcom X, actor)
• Fashion (Tyra Banks, when I was young and she was hot)
• Music (Kanye West, check out his new album in stores now!)
• Food (Colonel Sanders, Kentucky Fried Chicken)
• Technology (Afro Ninja, YouTube celebrity)
  

I'm probably missing a few, but I think you get the general idea. Or, as my black people would say... actually, they would have probably said the same thing, except maybe a bit more eloquent. They're born lyricists, afterall.

Story of My Life

This past weekend, my little sister forcefully dragged me to watch Twilight. Yeah, you've probably heard of it... it stars the NEW BRAD PITT, apparently. Pretty bold statement, Trebek. Well, the hype around this movie was pretty nuts, mostly because Hollywood gave millions of nerdy 12-year-old girls *DROOL* exactly what they had been longing for... the vampire version of Edward Scissorhands. I can totally see why all these girls swoon over this guy though. He's strong, fast, romantic, pale, and a vampire. Basically, he's everything I am (minus the vampire part).

Living on the Edge!

I was almost arrested for urinating (aka whoopin' my junk out) in public this past weekend. No, it wasn't on the side of some bar or anything like that... it was on my way up to the Bay Area on Highway 5. Yes, I am that awesome.

Predictable?

Is it sad that when I call my favorite deli, they know me by what I order? (The prosciutto or mahi mahi, and a side of pickle! As my friend would say, NOM FUCKING NOM!) I feel like there was an episode or movie about this... wait. Oh... oh dear. It just came to me, but now I'm too embarrassed to say it. Aw hell with it... it was an episode of Sex and the City. Now before you go and bombard me with your lame to mediocre-at-best homosexual jokes, know that it comes on after F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and I was probably too lazy to turn off the TV because I was blogging. So yeah, suck on that one. Suck on it hard.

A Worthwhile Book Signing

Publishers have been lining up at the White House because Laura Bush wants to write her memoirs shortly after moving out in January. George W, on the other hand, will probably have to wait a few years before writing any kind of book (apparently being unpopular doesn't help with the sales). But you know when he does write his first book, it's gonna change the world. I honestly have no idea what he'd write about, but I'd imagine it'd be something like this:

• Y'all Were Dreaming, This is What Really Happened During My Two Terms, Bitches!
• Tuesdays with Kim Jong
• My Wife('s Book) Sucks
• Where's Waldo: WMD Edition
  
• Cookin' with Dubya: Recipes for Sucksex

Or it'll just be a collection of doodles on meeting agendas.

Eek! Fires in Southern CA!

I turned on the news this morning to find out that the Los Angeles area is on fire... again. I think the closest fire (to me) is about 20 miles away!

I took this picture around 1pm from the top of the parking garage at work... yeah, the fires are pretty crazy. Anyway, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got to go...

Go play Gears of War 2. Please don't judge me.

Going Mobile, Bitches!

This is my new blogging toy! Sigh, I know... who knew blogging could be so expensive, right? Well I'm tellin' ya... going out to the local coffee shop and/or bookstore and blogging from there is so much more enjoyable than being at home. For one, I enjoy eavesdropping on other people's conversations. You wouldn't believe some of the shit I hear! Just yesterday I sat next to a girl who was trying to convince her friends that old people are super kinky and have sex all the time. Which is true, you know, but her friends were stupid and didn't believe her. They're so naive!

The Post-Election Recap

Ugh... I can't believe I haven't blogged anything since last Monday! I'm sorry, folks... no excuses. Well, let me just quickly recap what has gone on during the past week:

• Erection! The black guy won and I'm pretty sure I saw Oprah cry.
  
• I've noticed that the black people at work have had an extra bounce in their step. They're either happy about the election, or eating at Roscoe's every night.
  
• The biggest issue for President-elect Osama is deciding what type of puppy will terrorize the White House for the next four years.
• A bunch of gays (as well as normal people) gathered in LA to march against the evil Anti-Gays.
• Paris Hilton announced that she is still running for President this year. Go Paris! Never give up!
  

That's all for now. Fairwell and until next time!

Election Eve

Tomorrow is the big day, folks! Be sure you get one of 'em "I Voted" stickers! A bunch of places are offering free stuff if you have one! 

These aren't confirmed, but from what I've heard... Krispy Kreme is giving out doughnuts, Ben & Jerry's is offering a free scoop of ice cream between 5-8pm, and Starbucks will give you a free tall coffee. 

So basically, if you do your civic doodie, these companies will support your gluttony and our economy will continue to flounder because it's not being stimulated with our hard-earned money. 

Yeah, I intentionally misspelled duty to make it look like doodie...

What up!

Welcome to the Watercooler, Bitches!

No post today, folks! My place wreaks of burnt chicken and I've been trying to get rid of the smell since this afternoon. 

For those of you who followed my last blog, please swap out the links! 

Thanks!